I always had my family torture me on holidays. And so why do you get to just enjoy the day?

Welcome to Therapy is My Therapy, a podcast where licensed counselor Olivia and unlicensed client Tanya delve deep into real and raw conversations in order to demystify what really happens in that 50 minutes hour heads up. This podcast contains strong language and send sensitive topics related to mental health.

Hey guys, we are here to do a bonus podcast. I wanted to do one for something that's coming up pretty soon, which are the holidays, because they are stressful and this is completely not altruistic. I would love to hear advice as to how to survive the holidays with your family and just take what I can get. Honestly, Olivia, if you want to just get right into it.

Yeah, absolutely. And the holidays are often the busiest time for a therapist because you have a lot of people who are going home to see their families. And as we all know, it's very rare that people have no issues at all with their families. And I think especially the holidays for some reason opens up this sense of feeling like you can ask people whatever you want with no consequence. And so I hear that a lot with clients of how do I go to Thanksgiving and tell my family that I don't want to hear them say, oh, you got fat, or are you sure you want to eat that second plate? Or a million other comments about people's bodies or how things have been going that they don't want to respond to. So I think that is probably the biggest thing that I hear in terms of when the holidays start coming up. What clients want help with is like, how do I set boundaries around not wanting to answer questions from my family about certain things in my life and also how do I handle it when people are commenting on the way that I look or things that I'm doing that they don't really have a say in.

I was surprised for a second and then I thought, of course I've had that happen too, where family members will comment, especially with Asian family members, because they will just tell you what they think your body looks like and their assessment of it. So why do family members comment on your body or if you're going to have another plate, especially when they've invited cajoled or guilted you into coming back home for the holidays?

Yeah, I think a lot of it is just generational normalcy of for as long as people have existed, that's kind of how things have been. And now we're finally reaching an age where people are starting to feel this sense of agency over what things they have to listen to. And instead of getting stuck in that mindset of, well, they're my family, so I have to give them a hug even if I don't want to, or I have to just accept that they're going to be making these comments. I think we're finally getting to a point where people realize, oh, there's things I can do to prevent that from happening. And I don't always have to just go to my family's house and be berated forever and then go home and feel like shit. And I think a lot of the time, I would guess, hopefully people aren't intending to be harmful with those comments, especially if they're commenting on, oh, your body has changed and now look smaller. It's assumed that you'll take it as a compliment or you'll get the classic, oh, it's just a joke, why are you being so sensitive? Or a lot of times, I think family members asking about things going on in your life will just say, oh, I'm just curious about what you're up to and won't really take into consideration the fact that that could be something no one wants to really get into, especially in a giant group of the rest of your family. But it's tough because I think this is the first generation where people finally feel like they're allowed to say no. And previously it was just, yeah, you don't get a say, it's your family. So they say what they want to say, they act how they want to act, and you just have to deal with it because it's blood. And that's a very harmful mindset for a lot of people. So I think it can be very jarring for older generations to have boundaries set with them because it is perceived as an attack. But a lot of that, I think, comes from resentment that they weren't allowed to set boundaries. So now it's, well, you shouldn't get to get away with not being asked about this or that, because I always had to get asked about that, and I always had my family torture me on holidays and so why do you get to just enjoy the day?

Yeah, that makes total sense. And while they're family, you're also family too. And that's one thing that usually those I wouldn't call them perpetrators, but those people who close line themselves on your boundaries, they forget that you have just as much say as they do, even though there are cultural aspects, like you have to respect your elders, so on and so forth. It's tough. So you had mentioned that this is the first generation that could say no, and you had also mentioned that there are things that you can do now. So what are some things that you tell your clients to experiment with in order to set boundaries?

I think it's something that's been floating around a lot more recently of instagram therapists and life coaches and et cetera, kind of talking about, oh, here's how you set boundaries with your family or your friends or whatever. And they give this list of really well curated phrases to say. And while I think it's very well meaning. It's also often not realistic for what people can actually say without consequence. And there's obviously so much nuance with cultural differences and within your family, what the climate is of how people relate to each other, how people talk, what happens when someone breaks the mold. So I don't think it's as simple as saying I'm not available for comments about my body. Thank you very much, Aunt So and So, because a lot of times that's not going to get you the result you want. Sometimes it will. If you're in a family that is really good at receiving feedback and responds well to it and didn't mean any harm by it, that might go great. But I think a lot of times the response would be, well, you're being really sensitive and I don't think that's right, that you're saying that to me and now you've created an argument on Thanksgiving and now it's more harm for you. But that also doesn't mean you should have to shove it down and you be the one to just bury your feelings and deal with it. So I think there's not really an individualized answer. I wish there was just like an overall, here you go, say this and it'll work. So I think a lot of it is it is helpful to work with a mental health professional to kind of explore your family dynamic specifically and see how would be the best way to go about it within your own family. But I think generally what's been helpful for clients I've talked to is knowing ahead of time what you would like your boundaries to be and really exploring, writing out, processing verbally what you don't want to hear and how you are going to feel if those boundaries are ignored or if you state your boundaries. And then that creates an argument. So I think a lot of times there's kind of like a cost benefit analysis to be done of is this family member a person who will be open to the feedback, right? Like if I say it even in the most gentle, kind, respectful way, is there a real chance they're going to hear me and change what they have to say? And if the answer is yes, that's probably worth bringing up. Might not be helpful to do in a group setting, people generally get defensive, but if you can talk to them one on one, that's a big help. And if the answer is no, if you know that no matter what you say, they are going to be upset and continue making the comments, the best choice for you might be to just you hear the comment and you steer away the conversation. It might not be worth it to bring it up and say, hey, I don't like that you're talking about my body that way, or can you please not say that right? That might create more issues for you. So if that's the case, just saying, okay, well, why don't we talk about this? And then you can take the kind of stress of the giant family discourse out of it and just focus on, all right, well, that was painful, but I know that's what he's going to say. I know it has nothing to do with me and I can deal with this separately. So I think that's a big one of really knowing your family and having a general idea of how their reaction might be or if they're willing to hear the feedback is something that I give to clients a lot and that's generally been well received of limiting the amount of harm you're adding to your own plate.

That makes sense. And that's fantastic advice.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, when it comes to the intricacies of family dynamics, a nice little listicle that applies to everyone doesn't really work. And I was actually just thinking in my head about how you have to almost do some research beforehand, because I think of it like a jujitsu competition. You don't just waltz in there and not have spent months preparing or game planning and you know these people so you can at least figure out what their values are and how they communicate and possibly game plan around that. Correct me if I'm wrong, but would essentially playing their game work for them? Not in the sense of being passive aggressive, but maybe generationally there was a way to communicate that you wish the conversation to go elsewhere when someone says, wow, you're really filling out those pants. And maybe in their day they just go, the weather is great, and you just completely steer it in a way that makes sense to them because there is a generational divide.

Yeah, absolutely. And that's why I think it's important to do some planning ahead of time, whether that's by yourself with people in your family who are safer or more approachable and say, hey, I'm nervous about this. Can you talk this through with me? Being able to individualize it to what the generation they're in and how, you know, they kind of respond to things helps a lot. And that might be they say, oh, you're really filling out those pants. And you say, oh, thanks. You want to go watch the football game? And just redirect the conversation to something you know they would rather talk about. And I think there can be a lot of pushback to that idea because it's like, well, we shouldn't be letting people get away with this and they need to be held accountable for what they're saying. And that's also true, but not everyone has the availability to cut off their family members. Right. If the alternative is okay, now you're spending Thanksgiving completely alone because you don't have any contact with any of them. And that means now you don't get to see anyone in your family who maybe is a positive influence. And now you're alone and you don't really get to celebrate, and that could be something that is more harmful to your mental health. It's not an easy yes or no answer, so I think that's why it's important to just do what you think will work best for you and your own family. And sometimes that is saying, well, I don't want to be around this person because he is blatantly hateful and makes me feel unsafe. That's fair. Find accommodations ahead of time that you can still enjoy the day, and maybe that means you don't show up on the actual holiday, but you separate time later that weekend to see members of the family you do want to interact with. There's a lot of nuance to it, but also being able to, if possible, being able to find people in your family that you do get along with that you can look to on the day of. So saying, okay, well, I know at Christmas there's going to be these people that I have a really hard time with, but then I have a few cousins who I'm really close with, so trying to interact with them for the most part. And if you're having a hard conversation with someone in the family, then saying, okay, I have to go to the bathroom or I'm going to go do this or that, and then sneaking away and going towards the people that you know are going to make you feel better. Maybe your other cousins have heard the same comments from Grandpa, right? Like, maybe your mom also has an issue with one of her siblings and you can go and be like, wow, that sucked. This was the worst. And then they'll say, yeah, I hated that she did that to me too. And it doesn't make it go away, but it gives some sense of solidarity and validation.

Absolutely. And sometimes stealing away in a quiet room and just screaming silently, sometimes that has helped. Having a space where you can just go and decompress, at least for a few a minute and just breathe and go back into the fray, I found that to really help for me.

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